1. “Since I met – insert wife/partner’s name here – I’ve never looked at another woman
In reality – Has almost certainly had at least 3 affairs and is no stranger to the ‘delete Internet History button’
2. ‘How can anyone be turned on by something so blatantly artificial??’ – Referring to Kim Karshadian
In reality – Has 2 copies of the Karshadian centrefold ‘Paper’ magazine at home, one for best and one…………………..enough said
3. “Ok…..fine, yeah can do that, yeah, fine” When being asked to do/remember things while watching sports
In reality – Wants you to shut up as quickly as possible so agreement is easiest, resigned to a bollocking further down the line when you remind him of what he agreed to
4a. “Leaving now”……Sent by text from work when wife/partner is sorting kids’ bath/dinner at home……
In reality – Will leave at some point in the next hour – probably.
4b. “Back at 7.30”
In reality – Leaving at 7.30
And ‘no’ as a serial Rule 4 offender I have no idea why we do this, sorry
5. Yeah shouldn’t be too late…..no we’re definitely not going clubbing – said while on way out of house for a boys night
In reality – Will rock up at 5.15am stinking of kebab and beer, climb into bed fully clothed and slur ‘I love you’ as the breaking dawn light effectively puts the kaibosh on any chance you have of sleep.