Lies men tell when in the company of women

1. “Since I met – insert wife/partner’s name here – I’ve never looked at another woman

In reality – Has almost certainly had at least 3 affairs and is no stranger to the ‘delete Internet History button’

2.  ‘How can anyone be turned on by something so blatantly artificial??’ – Referring to Kim Karshadian

In reality – Has 2 copies of the Karshadian centrefold ‘Paper’ magazine at home, one for best and one…………………..enough said

3.  “Ok…..fine, yeah can do that, yeah, fine”  When being asked to do/remember things while watching sports

In reality – Wants you to shut up as quickly as possible so agreement is easiest, resigned to a bollocking further down the line when you remind him of what he agreed to

4a. “Leaving now”……Sent by text from work when wife/partner is sorting kids’ bath/dinner at home……

In reality – Will leave at some point in the next hour – probably.

4b.  “Back at 7.30”

In reality – Leaving at 7.30

And ‘no’ as a serial Rule 4 offender I have no idea why we do this, sorry

5. Yeah shouldn’t be too late… we’re definitely not going clubbing – said while on way out of house for a boys night

In reality – Will rock up at 5.15am stinking of kebab and beer, climb into bed fully clothed and slur ‘I love you’ as the breaking dawn light effectively puts the kaibosh on any chance you have of sleep.

Pretending you’re not looking when you’re clearly looking..

The legacy of a flu bug meant rather than getting out on the bike I went to the gym this Saturday, and after a 30 minute sweat fest on the cycle machine I had a swim and then hit the steam room.

Walking into the steam room I exchanged nods with a guy to my right, and then did a double-take as I clocked a gorgeous 20 something black woman wearing a bikini which had clearly shrunk in the steam lying on her back on the bench opposite with her eyes closed.

The door to the steam room then opened, and two other guys walked in, did a identikit double-take to me before sitting down opposite the woman – who wasn’t giving up an inch of bench – and also started the same – futile – process of trying not to look but clearly having to look as I was currently experiencing.

At this point the Saunbathing lady with a small moan rolled over onto her front to reveal that the bikini was essentially a g-string at the back, this was too much for the original guy who raised his eyebrows at me in a ‘what’s a guy to do?’ way as he sought solace in the cold pool – no doubt relieved he had baggy shorts on.

I too soon followed him out, contemplating over breast stroke – ignoring opposite gag opportunity here – where the previous five minutes left me from a moral standpoint.  Answer? Still not sure….tbc

The wine conundrum

Two months into a new job where I am on a daily basis being asked to step up the plate and prove myself I find white wine playing an increasingly important role in my post work routine.

I am more than aware that one glass after work is a nice reward for a hard day with no linked impact on sleep patterns, general mood, skittishness etc.

My – worrying – issue is that my current unconscious wine drinking speed is super fast by others’ standards.  I’m typically through glass one before my wife has even worked a fingers’ worth down her glass, and at this point the question of not having another glass is not even one that crosses my mind as I amble over to the fridge, the first beneficial impact of the grape hit making themselves felt.

Putting the girls to bed will typically stem the flow, but if there’s something worth watching on tv at 9 a cheeky glass 3 will typically accompany me to the sofa.

To be fair I do always draw at line at 3 – insert sardonic applause – but 3 is typically enough to bring on that massively annoying wake up slightly dry-mouthed at 4am with no real prospect of further sleep.

There are of course multiple solutions – only allow yourself one bottle in the week, have at least 3 dry nights, give up entirely – yeah right – which would no doubt make me a more productive, healthy and nicer to be around individual.  I’ve flirted with all of them without ever consumating a long-term relationship.  Damn you wine, why do you have to be so bloody nice.

Embracing Managership

I moved jobs in January, becoming, for the first time in a 20 year professional career the main man, rather than assistant to someone.  So -early- reflections on Senior Management for anyone about to enter this sphere.

1. Forget getting any work done during normal working hours, buy yourself a hose and yellow hard hat and prepare to fire fight.

2. Tragic as it sounds getting up at 6.30 on a Saturday and spending 2 hours planning what you need to do / say on Monday is worth its weight in gold.

3. Ahead of team meetings – when inevitably you will be looked to as the font of all knowledge – select a very low priority e-mail from each team member and do some wider research.  “You circulated a report about XYZ Limited Laura, I seem to remember that they were in the press a couple of years ago when they won a global entrepreneurship award…etc.”  Instant genius status awaits and everyone will -wrongly- assume you’re all over the important stuff.

4.  Go to bed early when you can

5.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS act positive – Moan to your partner (about work that is)

6.  Give up coffee – Clearly physically impossible in the long term but you’ll feel better about yourself for a day or two.

7.  Don’t lose sight of who you must impress – and vice versa

8.  Don’t forget to delegate – and don’t expect much when you do.. people have to learn

9.  Appraisals / Probation forms are God’s -administrative- way of punishing you for your past sins.  Embrace and repent

10.  Thank God for red wine

The £26 Set Square

Nice afternoon out with daughter 1.  Parked near Manchester University and showed her round my old campus – daughter 1 not impressed – so cut that short and went to the recently reopened Whitworth Gallery. Massive queue outside entrance so snuk in through the exit and defaulted to the tried and tested ‘She’s desperate for the toilet’ routine to ease past security.

In my defence d1 did need the toilet and while waiting for her in the gift shop got into an impromptu, and increasingly hilarious game of ‘guess how much this is…… higher, still higher, no honestly!!!’ with a couple of mums also waiting for junior to enter their bladder.  The star of the game had to me a suitably arty wooden set square, yours for a mere £26.  One mum’s shrieks of astonishment drew an elderly germanic ex-teacher into a realms who declared that she would have forbidden any of her pupils to bring such a thing into her classroom as it would have quickly been stolen.  Didn’t manage to establish whether she’d taught in Manchester or Munich.